Too Many Fudging Things

roachpatrol:

yeah the general quality and attributes of straight boys is why it took me to my late twenties to be able to actually conceptualize myself as a man without feeling INTENSE DISMAY. i mean, if a class of people abuses you all your life, you’re gonna feel pretty damn weird about joining their ranks! 

i’ve found that even though i identify AS a man, i’m still way more likely to identify WITH female characters— especially ones like mulan and furiosa, who negotiate with their own femininity in order to survive and thrive in male roles. the male characters i identify with right off the bat are invariably damaged, frustrated, weak men, like steve rogers or miles vorkosigan: men born into the stifling cages of broken bodies, who work themselves raw to achieve what their peers take without thinking.

when i started transitioning, i felt a lot of rage and a lot of regret. i didn’t WANT to be trans. i didn’t want to be a half-thing, a not-quite man. i wanted a cis man’s body, a cis man’s life, and in abandoning being a cis woman, i felt like i was acknowledging that i was never going to be a whole, harmonious creature ever again. the entire rest of my life would be spent in transit, straining towards something i could not, by definition, actually reach. 

but the thing is, growing into a trans identity has been cool. not being cis is alright, being something fluid and transitory, something contextual, is satisfying in and of itself. snakes shed their skin and come out beautiful. hermit crabs swap their shells. flowers turn into fruit which turns into seeds and every step of that process nourishes the world. being something that is eternally and intentionally shaping themself is really cool actually. 

so, yeah, you’re a straight guy. you’re under no obligation to be a straight guy the way anyone else is doing it: as a point of fact, you kind of can’t. but the courage and compassion you learned as a lesbian will carry onwards into your new identity, and you will make it for yourself, out of things that you like, and ways that feel right. being trans is scary and uncomfortable in a lot of ways, but in that way, specifically, you are free, and it is wonderful.